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Amherst News
December 2004

CLUB DIARY

Wednesday Meetings

15 December, Club Christmas Party

22 December, Bar-only Meeting

29 December, NO MEETING

5 January, Business Meeting  AND CURRY DINNER

12 January, Kent Air Ambulance

19 January, Speaker t.b.a.

Service and Social Diary

12 January, District Council

10 February, RIBI President at Hadlow Manor

19 February, Joint Centenary Dinner with Sevenoaks Edenbridge and Westerham Clubs

26 February, District Lunch at Canterbury Cathedral

2 March, Lunchtime Raid by Roubaix Est Club

5 March, Battle of the Bands at Walthamstow Hall

19 March, "Applause" Show at Bradbourne School

19 September, Cyclo Sportif

Verily, verily…..

 A seasonal story of community service

 … and it came to pass that in the twelfth month there were students in the Wildernesse close by to Sevenoaks, abiding in their tutor groups, keeping watch over their books and UCAS forms.

When lo, there came wise men from afar, bearing gifts of grace and friendliness and mirth, to seek diligently of these students what manner of men they were.

The students – clad in their finest raiment – were sore afraid and answered in diverse tongues and jargon and spoke of NVQs and AS Levels.

The elders among the wise men were astonished at these sayings and smote upon their breasts crying ”Woe is School Certificate and Matriculation!”   Whereupon the chief man of the brethren comforted the elders with words of wisdom that the world had changed.

And when all was accomplished and the students had given account of their ambitions and wise men had written wisdom on their scrolls they handed them to Emmanuel -  the Lord of the Students – and departed  to the far countries whence they had come.

These things happened as has been told, and the wise men gave some forty hours of their labour at a worth of many shekels.    But it came to pass that when the King of the Wildernesse came upon them he passed by on the other side and regarded not the wise men in all their glory.

As they journeyed the wise men pondered on all that they had seen and heard at the Halls of Walthamstow and in the Wildernesse and cried “Now verily, we must go even unto Bradbourne!”

Tony

Points from Council 22 November

 During a 2 ¼ hour meeting in the absence of our President who was in Australia we learnt that our average attendance at club meetings recently has been 72%;

the bank balances are healthy;

our Children in Need collection raised £2864, a club record;

sponsorship of the Sevenoaks News in Focus wrap to publicise the Rotary centenary is not yet flooding in from local businesses;

arrangements for our Christmas party on 15 December were well in hand;

St Julian’s will provide a Curry Night at our meeting on 5 January;

mock interviews at The Wildernesse School have gone well;

we hope to validate an attempt to enter the Guinness Book of Records in January;

a speaker from the Estonian Embassy will address us on 26 January;

details of various future fund-raising events have been developed, their dates to appear in the club diary.

Geoff

As a Christmas gift

for the man who wants everything……

……you can buy a new line in black leather driving gloves.

They are called Road Rage and the first two fingers of the right hand are coloured bright red.

Christmas Wishes

A seasonal short short story by Ron Pike

I'm snugged up nice and warm when the alarm goes off.   I curse gently, swing my legs out of bed and stand on the cat who shoots out of the room spitting and swearing.

As I'm struggling into my dressing gown I recall the silly dream.   I visited Santa and when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas I'd said I'd like three wishes.   He said OK but warned me I might regret it.   Then Blondie came into the dream somewhere.

Wow! That takes me back a bit. We called her Blondie after the character in a contemporary  strip cartoon, strip being the operative word.   Legs that went on for ever  .....  well I'd better not dwell on it - bad for the blood pressure.

“Bring me up a cup of tea,  Dear” says the wife from the other side of the bed.   “Don't I always” I mutter under my breath.

I shuffle down the hall pulling my dressing gown closer to me. I must get someone in to look at the central heating, I'm sure the thermostat isn't working properly.   I push open the door to the kitchen.

I've often pondered the expression "he stopped dead in his tracks."  Well that time I did!

There was no mistaking who it was.   Sort of draped over the draining board.   Wearing one of those red pixie hats with a white bobble and one or two sprigs of holly and not much else.   I'd know those legs anywhere and they don't sell undies like that these days.

Blondie smiled at me “Well you did make a wish” she said.  Yeah and two more I think to myself and I can’t remember what they were either.

“Need any help, Dear?”   The wife from the bedroom.   Panic sets in.   Then I remember.   The thing about this three wishes situation is that the third wish always restores the status quo.   The only way out of this dilemma is to take a chance on the second wish then the third one will get me back to where I began.   Well!   Do l have a choice?  Go for it!

I'll have wish number two.  .I don't know what it is, but number two now.   “No no ! there must be some mistake.  

I wouldn't have.   No really.” There's only one thing for it. Lets get back to where we started. "Wish number three please, quickly."

I’m snugged up nice and warm in bed when the alarm goes off.  I swing my legs out of bed and stand on the cat.   Then I remember this silly dream where I ask Santa for three wishes and Blondie comes into it somewhere.

“Oh no it can't be. Please, not again.”

News from Inner Wheel

We are so glad the clown costumes were a success and thank Rotary very much for the donation to our charity funds.  I have sent a photograph of the elegantly garbed collectors for insertion in "Scene South East" the District Inner Wheel magazine - will it be notoriety throughout the district?!

We have enjoyed our Christmas Dinner at St.Julian's, which everyone says was a happy and relaxed little party.   Thanks to Pat Ridout as organizer.

And now we have another Christmas dinner at St Julian’s.   Its hard being a Turkey in Decemberl

ENA.

Officers 2005-6

The following were elected at the Special General Meeting held on December 1st:

President, Derek Williams

First Vice President, Simon Welham

Second Vice President, Colin Hook

Secretary, Ken Arthur

Treasurer, Eric Matkins

Ordinary Members of the Club Council

Bill Brickell

Malcolm Elvines

Don Ingram

Tony Kemp

Mel Ridout

Graham Waldeck

On behalf of the membership, we congratulate our future Officers on election and offer best wishes for successful execution of their responsibilities.

Membership Services News

Christmas Party

Alan Austin is our entertainer, playing some unusual musical instruments and singing Kentish Songs.   The raffle is for two bottles of Champagne.

Curry Evening

On January 5th - a business meeting - we will spice up proceedings with an Indian Curry.

Centenary of Rotary 23 February

Council have agreed that we can spend up to £250 to pay for a speaker and for the cost of meals for any guests we invite.

New Members

We have been discussing ways of attracting members and have had some interesting ideas put forward.   After our committee meeting on January 10 we should be in a position to put these ideas to members.

Derek

More Entente Cordiale

Our 29 November raid on the Roubaix-Est Club, though far from our biggest, was a great success.   Six of us (Gordon, Albert, Malcolm, Geoff, Mel and Derek) and two wives (Pat and Eileen, abandoned to their own devices for the day after breakfast in Calais) made the trip and arrived on time and without a single accidental detour.

An excellent lunch was enjoyed, as always, our translated centenary leaflet was distributed and speeches were made.  Then there was time to discuss important matters before an equally smooth return to the Shuttle via Cité Europe, where reunions with beloveds were celebrated in the time-honoured way at the tills, no doubt.

Roubaix-Est will come to St Julian’s for their annual lunch-time raid on 2 March and we’ll try to arrange for Sevenoaks Primary School staff to join us if anyone attends from the St Francis of Assisi school.   They will also propose dates (for some time after Easter) for their delayed family weekend with us in Sevenoaks.

We won’t need to provide home hospitality (they are happy to stay in a hotel) but we really should try to arrange a programme suitable for parents and children together.    Let’s work on it!

Friday arrivals are excluded on family grounds, and our suggestion that they might like to come for Ladies’ Night was declined for similar reasons.

In the meantime we will continue, I hope, to receive the very informative minutes of their weekly meetings (I had to apologise that we can’t reply in a similar way) which now include a partners’ evening every month as a practical demonstration of their commitment to the “new” Rotary.  How would we fare, trying something similar? 

Bien amicalement

Geoff

Some time ago we published a version of The Twelve Days of Christmas.

Emulating the  turkey, it is served up again ..……

The Twelve Days of Turkey

On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me

“I've bought a big fresh turkey and a proper Christmas tree.”

On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard,

As we tucked into our turkey, a most delicious bird.

On the third day of Christmas came people from next door,

And the turkey tasted just as good as it had the day before.

On the fourth day of Christmas came relations young and old,

So we finished up the Christmas pud and had the turkey cold.

On the fifth day of Christmas outside the snowflakes scurried,

But we were nice and warm inside, we’d had the turkey curried.

On the sixth day of Christmas, the Christmas spirit died;

The children fought and bickered over turkey rissoles fried.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love he did wince

When he sat down at the table and was offered turkey mince.

On the eighth day of Christmas the dog had run for shelter.

He saw the turkey pancakes and my glass of Alka Seltzer.

On the ninth day of Christmas by lunch time Dad was blotto,

He knew that bird was back again, this time as a risotto!

On the tenth day of Christmas we were drinking home made brew,

And as if that wasn't bad enough were chewing turkey stew.

On the eleventh day of Christmas the Christmas tree was moulting,

And with chilli, soy and oyster sauce the turkey was revolting.

On the twelfth day of Christmas we had smiles upon our lips,

The guests had gone, the turkey too - we dined on fish and chips.

Anon

Fund Raising 2005

Here is an update for the Amherst Diary, some dates new, some revised.

Saturday 5th March

Battle of the Bands at Waltamstow Hall School

Saturday19th March

“Applause”   Show at The Bradbourne School

Thursday 23rd June

Charity Clay Shoot at WKSS, Paddock Wood

(NOTE DATE CHANGE)

Sunday18th September

Cyclo Sportive starting and finishing at Sevenoaks
Prep. School,Godden Green.

Bill

Gordon’s Reflections

Carolyn and I, having returned from visiting Singapore and Australia, have gradually, after a week of waking at all hours, got back to UK time.

As well as enjoying ourselves, the purpose of our visit was to see Alastair who went out to Australia in August.   He is beginning to settle in;  a busy Christmas, with the UK ‘orphans’, and New Year holiday, watching the fireworks on the Sydney Harbour Bridge with friends from England, should complete the process.

The Blue Mountains in Australia are magnificent, but the drive up the motorway is now too easy; the development of Australia was blocked for years by the difficulty of finding a route up the ‘Great Dividing Range’ which stretches all the way along the East Coast of Australia.

The Hunter Valley is packed with vineries, as they call them. It is interesting that there is a huge difference in the taste of the wines, some very appealing but others not attractive to the milder European palate. The dolphins at Port Stephens tease by just breaking the surface but not turning somersaults. It was Alastair’s first drive outside Sydney and he used the opportunity to test out his Mazda RX8; best not to look at the speedometer!

Sydney continues to develop fast, in particular the renovating of the original harbour warehouses.  Petrol and taxi prices are about a third of those in the UK!  Eating, in particular for those who like fish, is great. There is a buzz in the shops and restaurants.   Brisbane,

Carolyn found, was more chic than Sydney.   Overall a great place to live and holiday.

As a passing thought - if you want to experience really being served, stop off at Raffles in Singapore.

Meanwhile, Derek seems to have been practising well for being President next year.   The Children in Need collection broke all records; clearly many members enjoy ‘clowning about’. At the Special General Meeting we put in place the Council to promote members interests for 2005/2006.

The week after my return was a busy one.   On Monday, 29 November, 6 of us visited Roubaix Est; Derek and Mel left their wives in Calais for the day! We were well received and left a copy of our Centenary leaflet, in French thanks to Geoff’s hard work.

They are voicing a change in their activities.   They consider that their members, the new ones in particular, are wishing to involve their wives and families more in the life of Rotary; a trend we have heard elsewhere. As a lunch club they now have one evening meeting each month to which the partners are invited; they have several lady members. They are also looking to have their children with them on visits; they are from 4 to 20 years old.

I think that this is not so much an issue of the programme as their children being able to meet others of their own age.  They would prefer to stay in hotels rather than in our homes. They were concerned that this could be seen as rejecting our hospitality but that is what they do when they visit Kaast.

Then on the Tuesday, Ray and I attended the Churchill Dinner, organised by the Rotary Club of Westerham. This was a very friendly evening. There were about 150 Rotarians.

The speaker was Black Rod, not in black silk stockings, who gave an amusing and Churchill-related talk about his life. I can certainly recommend this event and look forward to going again.

Gordon

EURO-SPEAK!  (THE FOLLOWING IS SAID TO COME TO US FROM A GERMAN NEWSPAPER, VIA ERIC)

********

Euro-German to be replaced with Euro-English

The Government and the European Commission have agreed to a five-year plan which will ensure that English will become the language of the European Union instead of German, as was expected at one time.

It is necessary to modify the written language to improve the spelling in the future to develop "Euro-English" (to be known as "Euro").

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'.  Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.   Also the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k'.   This will klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be a growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased by ‘f’. This will make words like ‘fotograf’ 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zi fifz yer, ve viI hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer viI be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun viI find it ezi to

understand ech ozer.   Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

TV & RADIO TRIVIA QUIZ

(Likely to appeal only to people of A Certain Age)

Via Harold

1. Who played the Butcher in "Dad's Army"?

2. What was the name of the horse in “Steptoe & Son”?

3. What drink did Leonard Rossiter pour over Joan Collins?

4. Who died on the show "Live at Her Majesty's"?

5. What is the motto of the BBC?

6. Who's missing?  Compo, Foggy, - - - - - .

7. Whose "Letter from America" was broadcast regularly?

8. Which football team did Alf Garnet support?

9. What does MASH stand for?

10. What was Dr Who's flying telephone box called?

11. Who was the voice of "Eccles"?

12. How many records are castaways allowed on "Desert Island Discs"?

13. Name the sheep who starred in the BBC Radio’s "Toy Town"?

14. Where did Tony Hancock claim to live?

15. One of the BBC Radio's early serials featured a Special Agent; what was his name?

16. You were never alone with what (according to the advert)?

17. Which member of "Dad's Army" had a chart topping hit?

18. Which BBC Radio programme of the 1950's starred a ventriloquist’s dummy?

19. In which year did ITV start broadcasting?

20. Who played "Trigger" in "Only Fools & Horses"?